7.12.22

Stream of consciousness writing for 7 minutes: 

I want to write something in the center of the venn diagram between nonfiction and fiction. The truth seems like it exists in that center. The essence of reality is both fiction and real. The difference between nonfiction and fiction is a decision. I keep typing backspace but this is supposed to be a stream of consciousness. I will go back and fix the spelling errors after. Frances said writing about the internet is in my chart. My astrological chart. I feel like I don’t spend enough time on the internet to write about it. I am fascinated by the way people spend their time in the in-between times now that we have the internet in our pockets. I yearn for this time when looking around a waiting room meant maybe meeting other wandering eyes instead of just heads down inside the phone world. I am interested in the simultaneous public and private space of being on your phone. The way in which the screen that you look at on your phone is exclusively yours and singular to you, but connects you to the “whole world.” Poetry. I like poetry. I wonder what poetry has to offer in this life. I want to think about all of the skills I want to have in this life. I want to be able to grow things and listen to the plants. What do yellow leaves mean? I want to be able to build things, like chairs and tables. I want to be able to fix and mend. I want to pickle things. I want to learn how to learn better. I want to feel like my daily life is contributing to making the world better. I want to understand the world more. Such broad sweeping generalizations. But I want to think in specifics. I want to continue the license plate archive. I want to write. I want to do what I am doing. I want to stop having the same conversation with N. I want everything to be enough. I want to feel enough and feel that the people in my life are enough and what I am doing is enough. The timer went off. 

Tell me when. When. 

And I will stop. Stop. 

Is the glass really half full? 

The bottom is water. Water. 

The top is air. Air. 

Two parts of a whole. 

That’s a bit from a song I am working on. The feeling of not being able to play guitar well enough to find the notes and chords to accompany the fragments of song that materialize in my head feels like an analogy to where I’m at in life right now. I have these moments of clarity, creativity, and vision, but then feel stopped in my tracks when I feel I don’t know what to do or where to go with these ideas. I want to make stuff happen. I want to make every kind of art in the world. I want to write a book and make an album and make ceramics and make paintings. All of it. I am such a seven. It’s so cool to be an expert at something, but I feel too spread thin to do that. I want to learn how to harness my energy and put it towards something that is growing. Maybe I want to write a screenplay. I have no idea what story I would tell though. It feels so funny being in this place of possibility and potential and not knowing. 

Just read through a document I started in 2020 called thinking things through. I like some of the ideas I wrote down. I love myself. It would be cool to make a book of venn diagrams. I really do think in venn diagrams a lot. Maybe I’ll start a document of venn diagrams.

Thinking about audacity and wanting to be more audacious.  I want to live with basically no fear. I just want to go for it!